Four Years Ago Today...my life changed

On Mother's Day 2008 I met Isabella Ting.  I had dreamed about her. I had seen her pictures. I got to even hear her little laugh over the phone one time. I used to think about what she would smell like when I met her. It was one long pregnancy : ) Finally after a long wait, four years ago today I met my daughter.

This is the first glimpse I ever had of her... I knew that she was meant to be mine.

I could hardly wait.  Almost a year later I stood on the Great Wall  of China knowing that I would meet her in just a little more than a day. To say it was surreal is an understatement.

I tried to take in all of the beauty of China, but the truth is I couldn't think of anything else but Izzy.

On May 11th 2008 we left the conference room that we had met her in and closed the door to our hotel room and we stared at her in disbelief. She was real and she was ours.

So we spent the day getting to know our sweet girl

It was such a special time....then at night the grieving began and my heart broke

Night after night I held her while she cried herself to sleep.

Over those next days I slowly got to know that silly little girl that has become my "Beanie"

I watched her sleep for hours at a time...I was pretty smitten with her.

She eventually got to know me and became more comfortable with her Momma

I spent a lot of time wondering what she was thinking in those first days.

Did she like me? Was I what she expected?

As we left China with our new daughter I remember feeling like I had gotten away with something.

It was a strange feeling. It seemed so unreal almost like a dream that I would wake up from and realize that she had not be real after all. 

I kept thinking what did I ever do to deserve her?

Four years later I still look at her and wonder...why me? How is it that I get to be her Momma?

Why am I so blessed to have her as my daughter?

I'm reminded often of God's grace in my life. It's not deserving in any way. It's just a gift.

My Isabella is a gift that God's grace brought into my life... 

Thank you Lord for this most precious gift.

Guangzhou...finally - 6 more days

They made it to Guangzhou…a little worse for the wear. The trip was exhausting. It was an hour and a half to the airport then the flight was delayed. They ended up at the airport for almost 5 hours. The flight was two hours and another hour to the hotel.  Josiah did really well on his first flight….really well (thanks for the prayers ya’ll), but then he fell asleep right at the end of the flight and woke up confused when they landed and started crying. Then they got in the van to go to the hotel and he fell asleep again and woke up at the hotel and really melted down. The new hotel room apparently freaked him out.  Then the grieving started again. He’s extremely tired. The last time I talked to them it was 1:30 in the morning their time. It was five and a half hours past his normal bedtime and he had been crying for an hour and a half. Not good : ( It’s heartbreaking to hear him crying so hard over the phone and not be able to do anything about it. Bobby was starting to come apart at the seams...God I pray they are sleeping now.  They have to be up early and at the medical clinic for 9 a.m. which in the past has been a very traumatic experience for our kiddos.  It’s a lot of change for him in a short period of time.  I am relieved that they are in Guangzhou though. It’s a familiar place for Rob and one step closer to home. When you get there it’s like this giant exhale that happens. There’s significant comfort in knowing you’ve made it to this point.  It helps that the island is beautiful. The people are so kind there. The shop owners love the adoptive families. There will be lots of other families that are adopting so you have people to talk to...in English : ) The food is a welcomed respite for the westerners. He’ll have sweet tea at Lucy’s tomorrow and he’ll take Josiah to the park and it’ll be a better day.

Here are a few photos from their last day in Wuhan:

The girls and I are a little worse for the wear too. The girls are starting to meltdown. They are over Daddy being gone. They can't wait to see Josiah. Izzy said this morning I want to touch him for real Momma not on the computer screen anymore : ( All the emotion and stress of the last seven days has finally kicked my butt. I feel like I've just has a serious workout only I can't recover from it. All day long I've dragged myself around. It's pitiful. I feel like a wimp...like ridiculous that stress could make me feel so tired. I really should have cleared my schedule this week, but I didn't anticipate being so overwhelmed by the emotion of it all. I just thought since I wasn't in China I wouldn't be so exhausted by it all like you are when you are there. Apparently it doesn't matter. Actually I've had a lot less sleep this week than anytime that I've been in China. Go figure. So I taught school, did piano lessons, horseback riding lessons along with all of the usual parenting stuff and I'm kaput ! I am happy to say that on Thursday I taught lesson 170 and we officially finished school for the year...that's a big ole YIPPEE!!!  My girls amazed me this year. They learned so much and did so well. I'm a very proud Momma. This summer we're just doing a reading program and getting to know our newest member of the family.  That's it..nothing else on the agenda. Just a lot of lovin on our boy : )

The Windows

I don’t know what it is about the windows. There’s something about the windows there. Everytime I Skype with Bobby, Jos is looking out the windows.  Izzy and Mari spent hours at the windows. I spent hours looking out the windows in China. Mesmerized by the beauty…by the culture...by the poverty.  The windows haunt me.

The first time I saw Izzy in her sweet little diaper behind the curtains in the window my breath caught in my chest and I really felt like I couldn’t breathe.  The Lord stopped me in that moment and I saw my baby daughter looking out the window at her birth country. I wondered what she was thinking. I wondered if her mother was looking out the window somewhere wondering where she was.  Wondering if she was ok. Wondering if she was loved. It haunted me. It still does.

We stood in the same window the day we left Fuzhou and looked out over the mountains and we prayed that the Lord might let us come back one day and visit this beautiful place that gave us our daughter. It was powerful. I was amazed by His grace and the gift He had given me looking out that window at those mountains that day. I held Bobby and Izzy's hands and I begged Him to let me see those mountains again.

Little did I know that I would be in that same hotel two years later watching my two daughters play in the windows that faced the same mountains.

When I saw Izzy look out the windows…I knew that she saw what I saw. She saw  the beauty of her birth country. She loved it. She drew pagodas in her sketch book. They were amazing. I loved seeing how she interpreted what she saw. I also knew from her drawings that she saw sadness. I knew that she didn’t understand in the same way that I don’t understand this place. I knew that it was the beginning for her of the “whys”. Why did my mother abandon me? Why doesn’t my country think that I am worthy? Why? Why? Why? She looked out of those same windows that I looked out of and I'm sure she said the same thing to her heavenly father "I don't understand".

Now I wonder…what does he see when he looks out?

There is a part of me that is sad that I couldn’t be there to look out of the windows with him and at the very same time I’m grateful that I couldn’t see out of the windows. The windows that I’m sure offer such beauty. The windows that offer such poverty and suffering. The windows that if I were standing there would offer me a glimpse at the country that loved my son and the country that abandoned my son. The country that makes my heart break and the country that I'm forever indebted to and grateful for. The country that gave me this child. For this child I prayed...

Because I’m not there, I can choose to see what I want to see. This time it’s a little easier because I can choose to see this...

and this...

This time the windows don’t haunt me. This time the windows bring me joy.

No words for this...

Day 8 - Yellow Crane Tower and Mohawks

Today they visited the Yellow Crane Tower . They had a great time touring Wuhan. It was good to get out of the hotel. Wuhan has been very different for Rob than Fuzhou. He's ready to go already which is odd. We never felt that way in Fuzhou. Both times we left Fuzhou we wept because it was so hard to leave there. I'm not sure why he's feeling that way. Maybe because he's alone there. There are no other families from our agency adopting there right now. We're not there either. Maybe because there's less to do there. I'm not sure but either way he's looking forward to Guangzhou. He said Josiah really enjoyed getting out today. He loves the outdoors. When they're in the lobby at the hotel if he gets a glimpse of the front doors he grabs Rob by the arm and starts dragging him towards the door to go out. I can't wait to see him running around the back yard and swinging on the play set. Mari swings so high that she goes above the roof...I think she'll have some competition. He's quite the daredevil. Tonight while I was on the phone with them he was trying to walk on the headboard of the bed. Oh for goodness sakes !

After the Yellow Crane Tower they headed out to get their cuts...yes, they did it. Mohawks for my boys. I was a bit shocked by the photos at first...not that I didn't think they'd do it just that it startled me at how different he looked. I was just getting used to seeing him with all that beautiful hair. I have to say there is something so sweet about he and his Daddy getting their hair cut together that just brings tears to my eyes...and the truth is I love the mohawks. Absolutely love it! I mean I'm married to Rob Braniff...I can't be too normal, right? So my little guy with a mohawk... it just makes perfect sense to me : )

These are his words...they accompanied the pictures today:

"Lise...i have never experienced a day like today.... Josiah rode in the carrier pack on my waist. We walked down the street and stopped and looked at the vendors...and then i took my son for his very first haircut. I have never experienced that in my life. All i can say is that it was beautiful...the people were in love with him and i think us, a dad taking his son for his first hair cut...it was the talk of the salon. I fell in love with the people there. Josiah was amazing! He didnt make a peep and didnt move an inch...then he got a sucker for being a good boy and then watched me get mine.

Then the guys there and some ladies carried him around the shop and took pictures with him...then we walked together in the drizzle and got drinks and snacks...man, all of the people were smiling and commenting...and when we walked back into the hotel...all the staff were completely smitten with him. We love you Momma...i am learning a lot doing this with him...it's the hardest thing i have ever done but way good for me."