Revelation

I was drying my hair one day last week and I had the most amazing surreal moment with God. I saw us, Bobby, myself, Izzy and Mari and we were holding hands and we were looking out at this beautiful ocean. The wind was blowing. The girls were giggling. It was breathtaking. I have never seen anything so beautiful. I love the beach. I love the ocean. I love the smell. It was incredible. Then I realized that we were standing on the edge of a cliff. It startled me at first. I wanted to go down to the water but the only way down was to jump. It was weird because Bobby and the girls didn’t seem to be concerned about it. They were excited. I was so nervous all of a sudden. As I saw this my heart started racing. I could barely hold the blow dryer. Then I heard the Lord say to me “You don’t have to go if you don’t want to. You can go back. It won’t change the way I feel about you. I will understand.”
Then I turned and I looked over my shoulder. At this point I was so overwhelmed both in my vision and in reality. I had to sit down in my bathroom. As I looked over my shoulder I saw Ryan and Jessi walking off to the right of us along the cliff but away. I was sad because I realized that they weren’t holding our hands. They were on their own. Then I looked directly behind us and I saw our family. I saw and I’m not sure how I knew this is what I saw, but I saw all that we have been through. I saw how far we have come as individuals Bobby and I and as a family. It seemed like it was way far away, but I knew who was back there and what it all represented and meant.

He reassured me again that it was ok if I wanted to turn around and go back. Then it struck me as so absurd. Why on earth would be go back and walk back through all of the things God has brought us through. All the heartache he’s delivered us from. It just made no sense at all. I look over at the girls and they were nodding their heads saying to me “Yes, Momma, I want to jump.” I looked at Bobby and he was nodding his head too. My family was so eager. They were just waiting on me.

So, I asked Him “I know you said that it would be ok to go back, but I need to know…. Do you want me to jump?” and He said to me “It is the only way for you to go forward“. It wasn’t enough for me and I asked him again “but do you want me to jump? I need to know exactly what you want me to do” And again He said “if you want to go forward, you will have to jump?” It’s not what I wanted to hear. I wanted Him to say “Yes, I want you to jump” I would do anything for him. Anything. I just wanted to hear Him say it. Then the girls started saying “come on Momma. Let’s go. Come on, let’s jump.” Then I started to get excited all of a sudden. In a flash something changed. Suddenly I knew that I was supposed to jump. Bobby was holding my hand. He was with me. We were doing this together. I was comforted by that. I realized that the Lord wanted me to jump. I had already realized that to go back would be absurd, but now I knew that I was supposed to jump. He hadn’t told me out right, but it was clear now. I knew in my heart this it was His will. That I have to take that step off.

Then instantly we were all leaning forward pushing off of the cliff. Smiling and laughing. Nervous. Excited. I closed my eyes as we were pushing off and I heard Him. I heard him say to me “Yes, my child. My good and faithful servant. “I was so relieved to hear it. I had wanted to hear it. Yes, this was right. It’s ok. I opened my eyes. We were floating through the air and it wasn’t that scary and we were almost down to the beach and I hear “ Momma, I gotta poo poo” and there was Izzy running into the bathroom. “Momma, whatcha doing?” “ I gotta poo poo”. “Momma, why are you crying”? “Mom, can you help me? I have to poo poo.”

And here I was back to reality. Sitting at my vanity, hair soaking wet still. Crying. Laughing. My heart was racing like crazy. I had to start breathing slowly just to settle it down. And there was Izzy looking at me like I was crazy. Then I really started laughing out loud. Isn’t that so typical God is revealing something to me and here comes a munchkin that has to poop. I love my life. Those kinds of things make me smile. But anyway…..

I went back to drying my hair totally moved by the experience. Confused too. After that I told Bobby about what I saw. I’m usually one of those immediately get a handle on the situation kind of people. This took me days of processing. I don't have revelations like that. Things usually come to me through scripture. Sometimes in prayer. Never while drying my hair :) For days later we talked about it over and over. It’s funny because God has been disconnecting Bobby and I from the “things” in our life slowly over the last two years. The temporary things that ultimately don’t mean anything in the long run. The things we had to have as soon as possible, but now strangely enough mean nothing to us. The things that are important to this world but not the least bit important to God. Lately God has been showing us what’s really important to Him and slowly what’s important to Him is becoming the most important to us. We are a bit slow though. Wish we would’ve gotten it a long time ago. Duh!
I realized that this faith journey to Marianna has been a warm up for us. It’s been huge. The biggest step of faith for us to date, but by no means a cliff. I know now that there’s a cliff coming. I see that He’s been changing our hearts very slowly. I guess He knows that we can’t handle too much too fast. He made us, so He knows we’re a bit slow : ) I’m able to look back and see all the things He has orchestrated that is slowly and patiently preparing us for the cliff ahead. The thing is that I don’t want to be apprehensive when I get to the cliff. I want to run to it and jump with my heart wide open. I know it’s going to be hard. Especially for our family. For my big kids that think they don’t need us, but still need us. Much of our family is not going to understand. I’m learning to not worry about that, but it’s not easy. I have this ridiculous desire that everyone gets me and approves of what I’m doing. I know, ridiculous. I’m working on it. Yet another therapy session with the Lord!
I’ve been asking Him to show me what breaks His heart. He has and now my heart is broken. It feels like in a million pieces. I’ve been forever changed. I’m not even sure of exactly when it happened. I just know that I’m not the same anymore. I find it hard to live my life the way I used to. I have a burden on my heart for orphans. And doing nothing is unacceptable for me now. I know that I can make a difference. I know that my family can change the world for some of the fatherless out there. I know that He has called all of us to their plight. I can’t look the other way and live the American dream and allow the suffering without doing something. Boy, you gotta watch what you pray for huh? I have no idea where or when, but I’m going to have to jump off of a cliff. I’m pretty sure that it will have something to do with those sweet children that are waiting. My prayer is that I trust Him even when I can’t hear Him say “jump”.

I know you guys pray for me. I love you for that and I’m so grateful. Please don’t stop. I need your prayers. Here I am two years later still trying to figure out where to run, when to run. Maybe I need to quit trying to figure out when and where and just do it. He said that He will straighten my path out. So, what have I got to lose, right?

Sorry for the long post. My bloggy friends don’t mind hearing my heart sometimes instead of seeing pictures of my girls. I will have pictures soon though : )