You know it takes time, but you’d assume after four months
home you’d have an idea of the “issues” ….not really. Often things are broken
that don’t really seem broken at all.
In the beginning I just thought “this is one tough dude”. I
was shocked at how hard he would fall and get right back up. I just figured this was his nature. Bobby’s
like that. The hardest head in the world. Josiah hit him on accident working on
the play set with a hammer last week…I mean really cracked him in the head and nothing
no blood nothing… Hard headed man : ) Just figured he was going to be like his
Daddy. Bobby is tough as nails….Josiah is just like that. Oh so I thought.
If you’ve spent any time around Josiah you would if you were
being kind you’d say “wow, he’s very busy isn’t he?” That’s code for “good grief he’s into
everything”. If it can be climbed…he
will. If he can run why bother walking. If you can jump off it why step down. He
takes corners on his trike on two wheels only because three wheels well that
would be too easy. You cannot take your eye off of him for a minute and when
you do…watch out because chances are he’s into something significant. So,
needless to say he gets hurt a lot. He falls…. a lot. He runs into things… a
lot. Constantly with a scraped knee or a
knot on his head. Many bloody noses and lips later I’ve learned that this will
be my kid with a cast of some kind…promise that. He’s the one.
Many times a day he’s hurt and for awhile he’d just go about
his business. Get back on the trike. Get back on the swing. Sometimes I’d laugh
because he’d kick the cabinet that he ran into as if it were the cabinets
fault. Lately though the tears are starting to come. Not for every little bump
or bruise, but for the real hurts. The ones that I hold my breath before I pick
him up because I know there’s going to be blood and those happen quite a bit.
These days he cries when he’s really hurt. But with the cries comes this anger
when I try to come comfort him. He starts waving his hands at me in resistance.
Saying “no, no, no” He’s clearly hurt, but doesn’t want my comfort. However,
the look in his eyes is very much “hold me Mommy…make it better”. Gosh it
breaks my heart. If I go hold him anyway it’s very upsetting to him and he’s
get mad at me. We’ve tried modeling for him with the girls. Showing him how
they come to me when they’re hurt and I love on them. Kiss their boo boos and
make it better. For right now though he’s not going for it. I know
intelligently that three years of no one responding to your hurts leaves a
child not bothering to even cry for someone. That‘s why the silence of an orphanage breaks
my heart. There’s no point in crying because no one’s coming to make it
better. My heart says though that he
knows I’m Mommy so why won’t he let me love on him when he’s hurt. He’s very
affectionate otherwise and always climbing in my lap or hugging on me so why
doesn’t he understand that I can make it better. It’s just one of those things
that will take time I suppose. At least now the tears are coming. I know that’s
progress. I guess we are all like this in some way. We don’t look broken, but
we are. It doesn’t always show up till we get knocked down enough that we have
to throw our hands up and say “God help me”.
And doesn’t He just pick us up and kiss our boo boos and tell us He
loves us….and doesn’t that feel so much better than pretending it doesn’t hurt.
If only I could explain that to Josiah right now. 
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