Sunday, September 23, 2012

It doesn't look broken...


You know it takes time, but you’d assume after four months home you’d have an idea of the “issues” ….not really. Often things are broken that don’t really seem broken at all.
In the beginning I just thought “this is one tough dude”. I was shocked at how hard he would fall and get right back up.  I just figured this was his nature. Bobby’s like that. The hardest head in the world. Josiah hit him on accident working on the play set with a hammer last week…I mean really cracked him in the head and nothing no blood nothing… Hard headed man : ) Just figured he was going to be like his Daddy. Bobby is tough as nails….Josiah is just like that. Oh so I thought.

If you’ve spent any time around Josiah you would if you were being kind you’d say “wow, he’s very busy isn’t he?”  That’s code for “good grief he’s into everything”.  If it can be climbed…he will. If he can run why bother walking. If you can jump off it why step down. He takes corners on his trike on two wheels only because three wheels well that would be too easy. You cannot take your eye off of him for a minute and when you do…watch out because chances are he’s into something significant. So, needless to say he gets hurt a lot. He falls…. a lot. He runs into things… a lot.  Constantly with a scraped knee or a knot on his head. Many bloody noses and lips later I’ve learned that this will be my kid with a cast of some kind…promise that. He’s the one.
Many times a day he’s hurt and for awhile he’d just go about his business. Get back on the trike. Get back on the swing. Sometimes I’d laugh because he’d kick the cabinet that he ran into as if it were the cabinets fault. Lately though the tears are starting to come. Not for every little bump or bruise, but for the real hurts. The ones that I hold my breath before I pick him up because I know there’s going to be blood and those happen quite a bit. These days he cries when he’s really hurt. But with the cries comes this anger when I try to come comfort him. He starts waving his hands at me in resistance. Saying “no, no, no” He’s clearly hurt, but doesn’t want my comfort. However, the look in his eyes is very much “hold me Mommy…make it better”. Gosh it breaks my heart. If I go hold him anyway it’s very upsetting to him and he’s get mad at me. We’ve tried modeling for him with the girls. Showing him how they come to me when they’re hurt and I love on them. Kiss their boo boos and make it better. For right now though he’s not going for it. I know intelligently that three years of no one responding to your hurts leaves a child not bothering to even cry for someone.  That‘s why the silence of an orphanage breaks my heart. There’s no point in crying because no one’s coming to make it better.  My heart says though that he knows I’m Mommy so why won’t he let me love on him when he’s hurt. He’s very affectionate otherwise and always climbing in my lap or hugging on me so why doesn’t he understand that I can make it better. It’s just one of those things that will take time I suppose. At least now the tears are coming. I know that’s progress. I guess we are all like this in some way. We don’t look broken, but we are. It doesn’t always show up till we get knocked down enough that we have to throw our hands up and say “God help me”.  And doesn’t He just pick us up and kiss our boo boos and tell us He loves us….and doesn’t that feel so much better than pretending it doesn’t hurt. If only I could explain that to Josiah right now.

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